So today was a rough day!
I went to the Royals game last night. I have to admit it was fun. I did have a beer but no hot dogs or fries! They were tempting but I didn't give in! I did have fun with all the girls. Afterwards when the game was over- we went to Tanners so everyone could continue drinking- I stayed with my water of course! With the drinks came the appetizers. All the delicious fried mushrooms, french fries, fries cheese bites, all the bad food that tastes so good but is bad for you! Being that it was 11pm I felt that one it wasn't healthy to eat this late and two it wasn't healthy to eat any of that food at all! The girls were so sweet that i was with, apologizing for getting the food, but like I have said before, I can't expect people to change their lives just because I'm changing. I mean just because I'm fat and have a problem and they don't doesn't mean that they have to suffer! But it was still so tempting. I won't lie I did have three fried mushrooms. (which i felt guilty for afterwards).
So this morning when I woke up and had to weigh myself and do measurements I found that I had lost 2 more pounds. Which in the scheme of things, 2 pounds is really good. But of course my mind began racing and thinking well if I hadn't had those mushrooms and that beer it might have been more. Again knowing that this is not a weight loss challenge- every time I step on the scale I cant help but think about trying to lose as much as I can. My thinking just went out of control and began to put me in a horrible mood for the rest of the day. So much so that I had a breakdown in the cafeteria after I couldn't find any cooked broccoli- (it really wasn't a pretty site!). I just began hating food and hating myself for being in the situation that I'm in- the need to constantly focus on what I eat. I hate the fact that I cant just walk into a restaurant or the cafeteria at work and just pick something to eat without thinking about the nutritional value and how much fat it has in it. Whoever invented added sugars and saturated fats I truly want to shoot in the stomach right now. I mean why does it have to be this hard.
So after talking to everyone today, I'm still feeling a little depressed. Usually at any point of my many diets I would have said screw this, I'm just destined to be fat and then gone to get a pizza or the first little debbie treat that I could find. However I have made a commitment and I have to fulfill that commitment to myself. I have to learn how to like food again in a healthy sense. Ya know realistically for the rest of my life it is not reasonable to think that I will never be around a group of friends that are ordering appetizers or unhealthy foods. But for right now while I'm learning how to control my temptations and live healthier I think it is okay to remove myself from temptations like that. Eventually I hope it will get to where it wont even bother me or I can reward myself every once in awhile and not have to worry about the consequences. But I have to get better established into a routine, later will come the rewards!
~Amanda
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Hey Amanda, I am so happy that you are doing well. Don't beat yourself up too much over the beer and mushrooms. You still did awesome. When it comes down to it, normally you may have had more then the one beer, as you indicated hot dogs and fries and then went to the bar and had much more then just those three mushrooms. You still showed restraint and will power and I think you are doing so well.
ReplyDeleteAs for the cafeteria thing, I totally understand that it is difficult to find the foods you should be eating. Do you happen to have a have a Sam's card or know someone who does. Sam's club offers a couple different things that might help you out. For 4.50 I got a three pound bag of brocolli ( I can never spell this word). And for 5 bucks I got a three pound bag of baby carrots, califlower and brocoli. We are hoping eventually they will sell the steam bags but right now I get those at Hyvee for 10 bags it is right at 2.50. If you grilled some chicken and then made a steam bag of just veggies, it only takes about 3 to 4 minutes to do the veggies and I am LOVING them. They stay so sweet and yummy. I do usually salt and pepper the veggies while in the bag. The bags say not to reuse them because of possibly bacteria, but we think that is more so if you are cooking fish.
For me I found the bags of veggies to be a great deal as the prices at the store are just really high. Another way to help with flavorings is to get some Ms. Dash...not sure if you have tried it and I have not checked to see if it has anything that Dr. Oz says not too, but if it is safe they have a TON of flavors. Anyway, keep up the good work, I can not wait to see and hear how your 30 day goes, although I don't think we will be here so I might be a little late seeing it. Talk to you soon.
When you have days like this go do something you enjoy to get your mind off of the obsession of what you are not or are eating!! : ) Window shopping is what I like to do...and you get a walk in at the same time-no food involved!!
ReplyDeleteBoth great suggestions, thank you both! I appreciate all the help. After stepping back and taking a day, I realize my thinking and obsession was only hurting myself in the long run! I guess its just part of the learning curve!
ReplyDeleteYes, we all get caught up on the carousel of grief, Amanda. I jump off and on daily over something but am now on the pony behind you over Pedie. Am so sorry. I know he has been with you through many, many life events. You have had so many losses these past two years and now Pedie and Pounds. All things God puts in your path that add natural curves in your journey through life. Just wanted to express my sympathy. I am so connecting to your blog writings. It is really awesome that you are able to share your deep thoughts so eloquently for the public to read. What a fine writer you are! Today it is happy memories of Pedie Day...and of course I am thinking of the wonderful care you took of him even when you were in my 5th grade class.
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