balancing grief!

So after my brief meltdown last week, I had a good weekend to process things through and think about all the advice everyone was giving me and the need to balance things out. I realized that balance was the key word. Living healthy is a way of life and something that I will do each day forward so being realistic with myself and stopping my negative thinking has to be something that I have to continue to work on. I have taught myself to believe: one- that I have to be perfect and never fail which is ridiculous, and two that when I do fail I must feel guilty for the rest of my life over it, which again is ridiculous. Why am I so hard on myself? Something that I have always told my clients is that we all fall down and make mistakes but its what you learn from them that counts- get back up and keep going. I really need to take my own advice on this one. Each time I make a mistake, mess up and eat something that is unhealthy or put myself in a situation that is a huge temptation, instead of beating myself up about it, realize what I did wrong and move on. Why does this have to be so hard for me? I guess its easier to teach than to listen sometimes.

Another thing that approached me was the idea of grief. I've always been a true believer that we grieve over pretty much everything. Loss of job, loss of family, loss of loved one, loss of relationship- but I never really thought about the loss of food. At my aerobics class tonight I was discussing my recent meltdown with one of the ladies and she thoughtfully said- "your simply grieving- its a process". I realized that she was right. Sometimes I feel like a dumb blond(sorry blonde's) because these things are right in front of me and I never see them. Maybe I don't want to see them. But anyways, I realized that I was grieving over my personal friend and comfort for many years- food. I will also grieve the weight that I hide behind once I lose it - my wall wont be there for me to hide and be protected any longer. I have always been there for everyone else and food has always been there for me. When I'm sad I eat, when I'm happy I eat, when I'm mad I eat- you get the point. I wont have that to fall back on anymore!

Grief is a hard process, a set of stages that you walk in and out of all the time. It is constantly in our lives. Today I came home to find my beloved dog, Pedie who was 16 had died in his sleep. This past year I have lost a lot and will continue to lose and grieve over many things. But its about the process that you go through and the balancing out at the end. Two things I am for sure of: I am a true social worker- I know way too much about grief and the process, and two I am a libra and need balance! Maybe these two will be able to intertwine more in my live and the process will become easier. But again maybe not!

~Amanda