Man- I cant believe its been almost a month since my last post on here! I feel like I was running around like crazy through the holidays and am now finally getting a chance to calm down and get back to normal. This holiday season was a different one for me- the first without my father and the first where healthy eating was my main objective! My family functions had a whole new stress that came with them- trying to figure out what I could eat that was healthy and wouldn't make me sick! But I managed to get through them. My weight loss slowed down to almost a halt- I lost a pound a week for three weeks straight and then slowly started picking back up. At first I was a little bummed, but I'm just really glad that I survived it all and still managed to lose what I did! I did find that I have a new addiction- instead of food I am highly addicted to Super Mario Brothers on the Wii. I must say- yelling at Mario is a great way to get stress out and I find that I have no cravings while doing so!!!
So now it's a new year, a new beginning to continue to make my goals. I started it off by teaching a life skills class for a non profit organization and their clients on goal setting! How appropriate! This week I finally weighed in making my 50lbs. I actually am down 52lbs now! It feels great to be at that mark! I have no clothes that I can fit into anymore- I literally have no pants that actually fit me, but I really am not complaining about that! I have a lot of things going for me right now and I think this year will be a great year to continue and learn what other opportunities are out there for me. My family is getting on the healthy kick- I am so proud of my sister- she is really doing a great job of working out and eating healthier- in fact during the holidays, I think she ate better than me! I cant wait to see what great things come for her! And I actually met a guy this past month! I got set up on a blind date and it turned out to be really great! He probably is one of the nicest guys I've ever been out with, which is really nice!
I know I still have a lot of hurdles to jump over. It's never easy nor has it been the easiest getting healthy, however I think that so far this year is off to a great start! I have the tools, I'm living the program- now I just have to see where it takes me! Cant wait!

~Amanda

everything's for a reason

Today was to say the least a very stressful day. One social worker with forty beds is really too much to handle sometimes. Dealing with insurance companies, then dealing with patients that have no insurance and no money and need everything under the sun and then dealing with the patients who are just down right hateful and rude, it takes a lot of a person. So today as I was dealing with my stress, I was really letting it take over. I was letting my frustrations and feelings of bitterness take over. I'll be honest, on my way to lunch I stopped in my break room and grabbed a handful of brownies! I was so overwhelmed by that point that I could have easily eaten the whole pan. But luckily I didn't. All I wanted to do was drown my sorrows in food. In my mind- my old way of thinking was really pushing me and making me believe that if I ate all the sweet crap in the office, i would feel so much better. However my new lifestyle stepped in and knew better. I ended the day with a good cry in the office with my supervisor asking for help.

Now as I look back on my day I see so many signs that should have told me what I was doing was wrong. No wonder I sat there and drowned in bitterness, anger and despair. It's funny how little things throughout the day happen that should point you in the right direction- those little signs from God telling you to either slow down or turn the other way, however sometimes you get so caught up in your old ways you ignore what you should be seeing. I sat there and in my head asked for something to happen all day, and now that I look back, I see that it was right in front of me all the time. How crazy.

After lunch- and my brownie episode- I made a random phone call to schedule an appointment with the wound healing center for a patient. As I always do, I said, "hey, its Amanda in Social work" and started talking about what I needed. As I was about to hang up, the receptionist asked my how I was doing with my Dr. Oz challenge and that her mom follows my blog. It completely put a smile on my face did make me take a step back, however I kept pushing through everything by myself without paying any attention to what had happened. I just thought, oh wow that was very cool, but random. Then again when I called the operator to have a Dr. paged, the operator asked me how much weight I had lost and how I was doing. Then I really thought, wow this is crazy and cool, but just kept on going about my day. My final sign which completely made my day a little better for a few minutes was when a friend from the past called me at work and asked me to come and do life skill classes about nutrition and goal setting for a program with homeless families/single parents. I was so excited and still really am. I completely want to start doing things like this and start doing some motivational speaking. So this is a great way for me to start giving back. These three things randomly happened today and honestly should have made me realize that someone higher up was wanting me to step back and take a look at what I was doing. What have I been saying lately- I need to ask for help! I have to let things go that I have no control over or else I will start eating a cake pan of brownies at a time again! I can't please everyone! Why couldn't I have seen this when it happened today.

Everything really does happen for a reason. Now that I take a step back and look at the day, I know that all of these things happened for a reason today. God puts people and events in our lives to make us examine what we are doing and what paths we are going down. When random people started asking me how I was doing with my challenge- it should have been a clue that ya overall I'm doing great, but today sucks! - what can I do differently! I really have to change my attitude tomorrow and start asking for help- or else no one will want to work with me! I did ask for help for tomorrow and luckily I am getting help. Although I'm sure I will think that I can do it better- I'm not going to be a perfectionist anymore! I am going to gladly accept help that is given! I mean hey, if I hadn't of accepted the help so far, I would still be almost 300lbs and gaining!

~Amanda

redirecting!

So tonight I feel like crap- literally. I'm beginning to hate the holidays. I'm starting to work through my grief- everyday is a new day, a new day I face with the loss of my father. However as Christmas grows near- more and more food seems to appear all around me- and its not healthy food! Last week my mom came home with peppermint Ice cream- a favorite of mine that of course you can only get around Christmas- i begged my sister to eat it all but she didn't- so right now it's sitting in my freezer and although I don't open the door I still hear it calling my name! Then yesterday my step dad made chocolate covered peanuts, another favorite of mine. And of course at work, holiday parties are starting to take place left and right. Tonight was my department holiday party and where was it- at the Ameristar Buffet. This was probably the biggest buffet that I have ever seen in my life. I mean they had a dessert table that was the size of my kitchen alone. However instead of indulging in everything and becoming so overly stuffed and miserable like I would have normally done- I ate a salad and then turned to roasted turkey and fish with some rice. I did splurge and have a piece of sugar free chocolate cake. However because I ate this piece of chocolate cake or whatever it was- I want to throw up all over the place now. I'm starting to think that Ameristar lied and that there was sugar in it.

But as I was driving home I was feeling guilty for what I have eaten this week. I really haven't gone way off the deep end, however I have splurged a little here and there. Yesterday at another holiday dinner I ate a piece of dessert and immediately felt so ashamed afterwards. Its like that old feeling of shame coming back again. Like when I would overeat and thought people would judge me and knew I shouldn't, so I would isolate myself and feel ashamed of what I had done. I immediately wanted to run home and crawl on the couch- however I went to the gym instead, and luckily met up with one of my aerobic pals and worked out with her. Now as I sit here and think about it- I am actually proud of myself for recognizing that behavior and stopping it. I could have gotten right back into that vicious circle again- shame- isolation- overeating, however I stopped it and did something about it. I guess Ill be doing that a lot with all these damn holiday dinners coming up!

As a great support told me- I'm my biggest supporter- I have learned that I can be pretty hard on myself , however that is definitely something that I am trying to overcome. So a new thing that I will be doing everyday- getting up and looking in the mirror and telling myself how great and beautiful I am. Maybe this way I can stop the guilty feelings and build more of the positive ones. I think that is the only way I will begin to recognize my behaviors and stop them. If not I will just go right back to hating myself and weighing 300lbs. (thanks dustie!)

~Amanda

grief

So its been a few weeks since my last post- I have to admit I think I have been kinda avoiding it. I went to New York which was amazing and then the show aired which I thought turned out great and then it was kinda over. I had been having this mindset of 60 days, work out hard core for 60 days, lose as much weight for 60 days- and now that those 60 days are done I felt a little lost. I mean the whole time during those 60 days I have been saying that this is my life style change and I have to continue this beyond those 60 days- but in reality Dr. Oz isn't going to be here my whole life coaching me and pushing me along. Granted the show said they wanted to continue to follow me- but who knows- they could get canceled next week for all I know and then I'm all on my own again. So I started on my journey of grief. The wonderful grief that I can never get away from. I have said from the beginning that I believe that everything is a grieving process- the loss of my lifestyle and food is a huge emotional battle that I face everyday. However now I have to add in the fact that I am losing my 60 days of fame and support. Even though I have tons of support all around me here- it was a different sense of motivation I got from their phone calls checking in and emails.

To top it all off what had to be right after the show- Thanksgiving! Now I will say I did eat really good. I splurged a little - but stuck to things that I knew I could eat. I had gone so long not eating white flour that when I ate at my families house on Thanksgiving I got a headache from eating white rolls, gravy made with white flour and egg noodles. But the morning of I was very proud of myself for participating in my first 5k- the Turkey Trot in Parkville! It was actually a lot of fun and pretty rewarding. However during that weekend my grief hit me once again and pretty hard. It slowly crept in on black Friday when I went shopping. This is the first year without my father. He passed away in March and I know it is because of him and God that I have received all these blessings- however why I thought the holidays wouldn't be so bad I have no idea. As I was shopping- I found so many things that I immediately thought- "This would have made a good Christmas gift for Dad". And as I made my list out for everyone that I had bought for this year, a huge blank spot was left where his name should have been. When I went to my aunts house on Sat to celebrate- just driving through his hometown sent me into a mental breakdown. It is so much harder than I could ever imagine.

So here I am once again on a roller coaster of grief. Once I feel like I am going up and doing good, a wave of grief comes and knocks me right back down. I know eventually the waves will get smaller, but in the meantime- their pretty damn hard to deal with sometimes. However I know I am on the right track because instead of running to food to deal with it I am exercising or finding other things that I am enjoying. I am still exercising everyday and after talking with some people who are good supporters I am making it my goal to make each aerobics group rather than making excuses to skip them when I feel like doing so. It's amazing what I can still talk myself into doing or not doing and I still need that accountability. No matter how long I keep doing this, I think I will still be my biggest enemy! Even when I don't feel like talking I know I have to- in order to stay in a healthy frame of mind. Its so easy to curl back up in that ball and not let anyone in.

So right now I weighed in at 254.5- 41.5 lbs down! I'm taking everyday at a time and making it a goal to talk and attend every aerobics class that I say I'm going to!

~Amanda

60 day update

So I just got back home from my 60 day update show in New York, which was amazing!!! I had so much fun! I have to say I love New York- all the hustle and bustle- bright lights and interesting people! But anyways- I flew out Monday morning and spent most of the day in the NBC studios, doing medical testing and visiting with some of the producers. All of the producers were really excited to see us, as we were them, and they could really tell the difference we have made. All four of us, Rod, Leann, Deborah and myself who were featured on the first show all look and act completely different. It was so great to hear from the producers that they all noticed how happier I was. One even told me that I have a new sparkle in my eyes! After visiting the studio, we did some sight seeing- unfortunately there was not alot of time so we walked around and saw Christmas storefronts and saw Macy's Christmas tree and decorations. It was all so beautiful. We finished the night with dinner at an Italian Piano bar (still making healthy choices) and then one last walk to Time Square- where I was hit on by a very attractive man and if I was in New York one more night I would have let him take me out, but maybe next time!!!

The next day was started bright and early - off to the studio to begin filming the show. I was taken to hair and make-up and after a little hair disaster, I felt as beautiful as ever! (My hair became static at the last minute so all my hair began to stand straight up on top of my hair! Rod was kind enough to text one of the producers saying there was an emergency in the dressing room and Brett and Annie came to my rescue!!! - So hair problem fixed! ) We got dressed and headed for the back stage. It was so amazing because as I was standing there in the back waiting to go on, I was watching my introduction and it showed some of the clips from the first show- me stuffing my face with cherry pies and feeling horrible about myself and I literally started crying. Of course they all got mad at me because I was ruining my make-up right before I was about to go on, but I saw a completely different person on that t.v than I am now. I really could tell how unhappy I was and how much I didn't like myself.

After talking with Dr. Oz and Bob and the producers it made me realize how great I was doing. I mean I knew that I was doing great, but to see the person I have become in just a little over two months is amazing. As I told Dr. Oz I have been on an emotional journey that has been so much more than my physical journey. All together there were around 20 people that went back to new York, some I knew were doing so good and others I knew were struggling. I want to hope that all of them will continue to do good, but I know that some of them are still struggling with the emotional component of the process. I could still tell that some of them didn't love themselves yet. You have to love yourself before allowing yourself to change. If not you will never think you are worth the change. Something that I have finally learned.

I am proud to say that I weighed in at 261- down 34lbs- dropping the most weight out of anyone in the original 35 that was on the challenge!!! I feel wonderful! I have alot more to go but I am on such a great start! Flying out of New York, I felt a little sad- knowing that the 60 days was over, however I have learned more about myself in these 60 days than my whole life it seems. In the scheme of things, its just the beginning. I told the producers that I will get to my goal weight and lose 120lbs and when I do I will be back! I cant wait!

~Amanda

new goals

So as I am working on my thinking and emotions, of course I'm still working on my physical health as well. Today I did something in the gym that I have never really done in a long time. I actually ran on the treadmill! I mean I didn't run a mile or anything, but I ran for minute intervals, getting my heart rate going! I walked out of the gym feeling pretty proud of myself! I didn't think that two months ago I would be working out 6-7 days a week let alone running. I mean its funny because when I look back in high school I played soccer and ran 4-5 miles easily when I practiced or was in a game and it seemed so easy to me, however now when I do it, 4-5 minutes of running nearly sends me into a heart attack. Yesterday I was jump roping all together for about 10 minutes and I literally thought I was going to throw up all over the gym. I laughed because in 2nd grade that's all I use to do was jump rope, but now at 264lbs it nearly sends me into a stroke. However I do have to say, I have seen so much improvement in myself over the past two months in the amount that I am able to do. I am slowly building up my endurance.

As I approach my 60 days I look back and realize that I have accomplished alot, both physically and emotionally. Today as I was talking with a lady in my aerobics class, she was discussing how she cannot get past the emotional struggle with her food problems. She told me that even at the age of 62 she still doesn't truly know how to take care of herself, or how to love herself. Standing there I felt so fortunate that I am going through this process now rather than 40 years from now. I may actually have a chance of being truly happy with myself. But the question arises- why are so many people fighting this same battle?

Over and over again I hear, I feel the same way- I don't love myself, or my problem is emotional eating, or I don't know how to put my needs first. Whats the answer? I mean I really felt as though I was hiding it well, I played the role so good that my wall was built up around me and I made everyone think that I was perfect or had everything put together (or so I thought I did!), but in reality I don't think I was hiding it at all. Pushing past my fears of stepping out behind my wall was my turning point, allowing myself to break free from my comfort of negativity. But I am so glad that I have done it. I can't explain how happy I am with myself. Now of course, I still have my negative thinking moments- my relapses- but I learn to work through those, or I'm learning to work through them I should say. I guess it's only natural after 25 years of thinking that way not to revert back to that every once in a while!

Going through this process and realizing all that I have accomplished and keep accomplishing, really shows that if I can do it, anyone can do it! It really does touch me every time I hear someone say, I feel the same way. I so want to help them. (social worker coming out in me!) But I guess I realize how miserable I felt so I know how miserable they must feel as well, and now that I am truly happy I so want this for everyone!

So new goals- keep losing weight of course but I have decided that i want to run a marathon! I am going to start training for that! yay!

~Amanda

Every week is a new challenge, a new learning process and a new beginning. This week I hit my 30lb weight loss. I have to say that this is more than I have ever lost on any diet I have ever been on. I usually hit my plateau after about 20-25lbs and then give up. But I stuck with it and pushed past the plateau. I'm so excited to make it past the twenties and into the thirties; territory that I have never been in. With this new territory comes things that I have started facing in my relationships and personal life. Things that I haven't wanted to face but realize that for me to truly be healthy, I have to.

I realized this week that I truly do have an addiction. I mean I had always said that, but for the first time I think that it finally clicked with me. I keep going back to what I know best- social work- substance abuse counseling- and I found myself saying the exact same thing that I would say to anyone of my clients when talking about addiction and relapse prevention. It was easy for me to say that I was an emotional eater. When I felt unpleasant emotions or even pleasant emotions I ate. However what I didn't realize was all the negative thinking, manipulation and deception that came with those emotions and eating. The number one thing that a person with an addiction has to realize is that relapse happens before taking the first hit of whatever drug it is or for me eating the first cherry pie or cupcake. It begins with the thinking. When the negative thinking happens, a relapse has already occurred. Once that thinking starts, its so hard to make it stop. Something that I truly realized this week.

I know I hide my true feelings from a lot of people, or at least I think I do. I got sucked into this horrible pattern this week of thinking that I wasn't good enough again. I let one incident with a stupid guy give me the opening to begin to tear down my confidence and self image and begin thinking that I was ugly, and not worth it for anyone. I kept catching myself thinking this and trying to stop but once it started, it was so hard to stop. The moment I started thinking this, I instantly thought of food. That's all I wanted- food. Instead of going for unhealthy food, I kept redirecting my thoughts and avoided junk food, one- cuz I knew it would make me sick and two- I really wanted the thirty pounds! But after a while of redirecting and avoiding, I was emotionally drained. I know why relapse is so easy - no one can sit there and keep doing this forever and ever without talking with someone and getting help. It made me realize that I still have a lot to work on.

So how do you instantly change your thinking? I know that by building my self image and confidence it is slowly starting to change. I know it won't happen overnight, a slow process in deed. However how do I avoid relapse. I never thought I would be figuring this one out for myself! I have taught this class so many times! I know that for me I have to stop hiding. This experience has shown me that there are tons of people that are in my life supporting me! It was funny because today at work I was training a new Social Worker and I said something to her about me being very opinionated and voicing that often and all the nurses began laughing - knowing me too well! Its so easy for me to be opinionated about irrelevant things, now I need to become opinionated about my life. Hopefully that will begin to come!

~Amanda