redirecting!

So tonight I feel like crap- literally. I'm beginning to hate the holidays. I'm starting to work through my grief- everyday is a new day, a new day I face with the loss of my father. However as Christmas grows near- more and more food seems to appear all around me- and its not healthy food! Last week my mom came home with peppermint Ice cream- a favorite of mine that of course you can only get around Christmas- i begged my sister to eat it all but she didn't- so right now it's sitting in my freezer and although I don't open the door I still hear it calling my name! Then yesterday my step dad made chocolate covered peanuts, another favorite of mine. And of course at work, holiday parties are starting to take place left and right. Tonight was my department holiday party and where was it- at the Ameristar Buffet. This was probably the biggest buffet that I have ever seen in my life. I mean they had a dessert table that was the size of my kitchen alone. However instead of indulging in everything and becoming so overly stuffed and miserable like I would have normally done- I ate a salad and then turned to roasted turkey and fish with some rice. I did splurge and have a piece of sugar free chocolate cake. However because I ate this piece of chocolate cake or whatever it was- I want to throw up all over the place now. I'm starting to think that Ameristar lied and that there was sugar in it.

But as I was driving home I was feeling guilty for what I have eaten this week. I really haven't gone way off the deep end, however I have splurged a little here and there. Yesterday at another holiday dinner I ate a piece of dessert and immediately felt so ashamed afterwards. Its like that old feeling of shame coming back again. Like when I would overeat and thought people would judge me and knew I shouldn't, so I would isolate myself and feel ashamed of what I had done. I immediately wanted to run home and crawl on the couch- however I went to the gym instead, and luckily met up with one of my aerobic pals and worked out with her. Now as I sit here and think about it- I am actually proud of myself for recognizing that behavior and stopping it. I could have gotten right back into that vicious circle again- shame- isolation- overeating, however I stopped it and did something about it. I guess Ill be doing that a lot with all these damn holiday dinners coming up!

As a great support told me- I'm my biggest supporter- I have learned that I can be pretty hard on myself , however that is definitely something that I am trying to overcome. So a new thing that I will be doing everyday- getting up and looking in the mirror and telling myself how great and beautiful I am. Maybe this way I can stop the guilty feelings and build more of the positive ones. I think that is the only way I will begin to recognize my behaviors and stop them. If not I will just go right back to hating myself and weighing 300lbs. (thanks dustie!)

~Amanda