grief

So its been a few weeks since my last post- I have to admit I think I have been kinda avoiding it. I went to New York which was amazing and then the show aired which I thought turned out great and then it was kinda over. I had been having this mindset of 60 days, work out hard core for 60 days, lose as much weight for 60 days- and now that those 60 days are done I felt a little lost. I mean the whole time during those 60 days I have been saying that this is my life style change and I have to continue this beyond those 60 days- but in reality Dr. Oz isn't going to be here my whole life coaching me and pushing me along. Granted the show said they wanted to continue to follow me- but who knows- they could get canceled next week for all I know and then I'm all on my own again. So I started on my journey of grief. The wonderful grief that I can never get away from. I have said from the beginning that I believe that everything is a grieving process- the loss of my lifestyle and food is a huge emotional battle that I face everyday. However now I have to add in the fact that I am losing my 60 days of fame and support. Even though I have tons of support all around me here- it was a different sense of motivation I got from their phone calls checking in and emails.

To top it all off what had to be right after the show- Thanksgiving! Now I will say I did eat really good. I splurged a little - but stuck to things that I knew I could eat. I had gone so long not eating white flour that when I ate at my families house on Thanksgiving I got a headache from eating white rolls, gravy made with white flour and egg noodles. But the morning of I was very proud of myself for participating in my first 5k- the Turkey Trot in Parkville! It was actually a lot of fun and pretty rewarding. However during that weekend my grief hit me once again and pretty hard. It slowly crept in on black Friday when I went shopping. This is the first year without my father. He passed away in March and I know it is because of him and God that I have received all these blessings- however why I thought the holidays wouldn't be so bad I have no idea. As I was shopping- I found so many things that I immediately thought- "This would have made a good Christmas gift for Dad". And as I made my list out for everyone that I had bought for this year, a huge blank spot was left where his name should have been. When I went to my aunts house on Sat to celebrate- just driving through his hometown sent me into a mental breakdown. It is so much harder than I could ever imagine.

So here I am once again on a roller coaster of grief. Once I feel like I am going up and doing good, a wave of grief comes and knocks me right back down. I know eventually the waves will get smaller, but in the meantime- their pretty damn hard to deal with sometimes. However I know I am on the right track because instead of running to food to deal with it I am exercising or finding other things that I am enjoying. I am still exercising everyday and after talking with some people who are good supporters I am making it my goal to make each aerobics group rather than making excuses to skip them when I feel like doing so. It's amazing what I can still talk myself into doing or not doing and I still need that accountability. No matter how long I keep doing this, I think I will still be my biggest enemy! Even when I don't feel like talking I know I have to- in order to stay in a healthy frame of mind. Its so easy to curl back up in that ball and not let anyone in.

So right now I weighed in at 254.5- 41.5 lbs down! I'm taking everyday at a time and making it a goal to talk and attend every aerobics class that I say I'm going to!

~Amanda