new goals

So as I am working on my thinking and emotions, of course I'm still working on my physical health as well. Today I did something in the gym that I have never really done in a long time. I actually ran on the treadmill! I mean I didn't run a mile or anything, but I ran for minute intervals, getting my heart rate going! I walked out of the gym feeling pretty proud of myself! I didn't think that two months ago I would be working out 6-7 days a week let alone running. I mean its funny because when I look back in high school I played soccer and ran 4-5 miles easily when I practiced or was in a game and it seemed so easy to me, however now when I do it, 4-5 minutes of running nearly sends me into a heart attack. Yesterday I was jump roping all together for about 10 minutes and I literally thought I was going to throw up all over the gym. I laughed because in 2nd grade that's all I use to do was jump rope, but now at 264lbs it nearly sends me into a stroke. However I do have to say, I have seen so much improvement in myself over the past two months in the amount that I am able to do. I am slowly building up my endurance.

As I approach my 60 days I look back and realize that I have accomplished alot, both physically and emotionally. Today as I was talking with a lady in my aerobics class, she was discussing how she cannot get past the emotional struggle with her food problems. She told me that even at the age of 62 she still doesn't truly know how to take care of herself, or how to love herself. Standing there I felt so fortunate that I am going through this process now rather than 40 years from now. I may actually have a chance of being truly happy with myself. But the question arises- why are so many people fighting this same battle?

Over and over again I hear, I feel the same way- I don't love myself, or my problem is emotional eating, or I don't know how to put my needs first. Whats the answer? I mean I really felt as though I was hiding it well, I played the role so good that my wall was built up around me and I made everyone think that I was perfect or had everything put together (or so I thought I did!), but in reality I don't think I was hiding it at all. Pushing past my fears of stepping out behind my wall was my turning point, allowing myself to break free from my comfort of negativity. But I am so glad that I have done it. I can't explain how happy I am with myself. Now of course, I still have my negative thinking moments- my relapses- but I learn to work through those, or I'm learning to work through them I should say. I guess it's only natural after 25 years of thinking that way not to revert back to that every once in a while!

Going through this process and realizing all that I have accomplished and keep accomplishing, really shows that if I can do it, anyone can do it! It really does touch me every time I hear someone say, I feel the same way. I so want to help them. (social worker coming out in me!) But I guess I realize how miserable I felt so I know how miserable they must feel as well, and now that I am truly happy I so want this for everyone!

So new goals- keep losing weight of course but I have decided that i want to run a marathon! I am going to start training for that! yay!

~Amanda