Every week is a new challenge, a new learning process and a new beginning. This week I hit my 30lb weight loss. I have to say that this is more than I have ever lost on any diet I have ever been on. I usually hit my plateau after about 20-25lbs and then give up. But I stuck with it and pushed past the plateau. I'm so excited to make it past the twenties and into the thirties; territory that I have never been in. With this new territory comes things that I have started facing in my relationships and personal life. Things that I haven't wanted to face but realize that for me to truly be healthy, I have to.

I realized this week that I truly do have an addiction. I mean I had always said that, but for the first time I think that it finally clicked with me. I keep going back to what I know best- social work- substance abuse counseling- and I found myself saying the exact same thing that I would say to anyone of my clients when talking about addiction and relapse prevention. It was easy for me to say that I was an emotional eater. When I felt unpleasant emotions or even pleasant emotions I ate. However what I didn't realize was all the negative thinking, manipulation and deception that came with those emotions and eating. The number one thing that a person with an addiction has to realize is that relapse happens before taking the first hit of whatever drug it is or for me eating the first cherry pie or cupcake. It begins with the thinking. When the negative thinking happens, a relapse has already occurred. Once that thinking starts, its so hard to make it stop. Something that I truly realized this week.

I know I hide my true feelings from a lot of people, or at least I think I do. I got sucked into this horrible pattern this week of thinking that I wasn't good enough again. I let one incident with a stupid guy give me the opening to begin to tear down my confidence and self image and begin thinking that I was ugly, and not worth it for anyone. I kept catching myself thinking this and trying to stop but once it started, it was so hard to stop. The moment I started thinking this, I instantly thought of food. That's all I wanted- food. Instead of going for unhealthy food, I kept redirecting my thoughts and avoided junk food, one- cuz I knew it would make me sick and two- I really wanted the thirty pounds! But after a while of redirecting and avoiding, I was emotionally drained. I know why relapse is so easy - no one can sit there and keep doing this forever and ever without talking with someone and getting help. It made me realize that I still have a lot to work on.

So how do you instantly change your thinking? I know that by building my self image and confidence it is slowly starting to change. I know it won't happen overnight, a slow process in deed. However how do I avoid relapse. I never thought I would be figuring this one out for myself! I have taught this class so many times! I know that for me I have to stop hiding. This experience has shown me that there are tons of people that are in my life supporting me! It was funny because today at work I was training a new Social Worker and I said something to her about me being very opinionated and voicing that often and all the nurses began laughing - knowing me too well! Its so easy for me to be opinionated about irrelevant things, now I need to become opinionated about my life. Hopefully that will begin to come!

~Amanda