everything's for a reason

Today was to say the least a very stressful day. One social worker with forty beds is really too much to handle sometimes. Dealing with insurance companies, then dealing with patients that have no insurance and no money and need everything under the sun and then dealing with the patients who are just down right hateful and rude, it takes a lot of a person. So today as I was dealing with my stress, I was really letting it take over. I was letting my frustrations and feelings of bitterness take over. I'll be honest, on my way to lunch I stopped in my break room and grabbed a handful of brownies! I was so overwhelmed by that point that I could have easily eaten the whole pan. But luckily I didn't. All I wanted to do was drown my sorrows in food. In my mind- my old way of thinking was really pushing me and making me believe that if I ate all the sweet crap in the office, i would feel so much better. However my new lifestyle stepped in and knew better. I ended the day with a good cry in the office with my supervisor asking for help.

Now as I look back on my day I see so many signs that should have told me what I was doing was wrong. No wonder I sat there and drowned in bitterness, anger and despair. It's funny how little things throughout the day happen that should point you in the right direction- those little signs from God telling you to either slow down or turn the other way, however sometimes you get so caught up in your old ways you ignore what you should be seeing. I sat there and in my head asked for something to happen all day, and now that I look back, I see that it was right in front of me all the time. How crazy.

After lunch- and my brownie episode- I made a random phone call to schedule an appointment with the wound healing center for a patient. As I always do, I said, "hey, its Amanda in Social work" and started talking about what I needed. As I was about to hang up, the receptionist asked my how I was doing with my Dr. Oz challenge and that her mom follows my blog. It completely put a smile on my face did make me take a step back, however I kept pushing through everything by myself without paying any attention to what had happened. I just thought, oh wow that was very cool, but random. Then again when I called the operator to have a Dr. paged, the operator asked me how much weight I had lost and how I was doing. Then I really thought, wow this is crazy and cool, but just kept on going about my day. My final sign which completely made my day a little better for a few minutes was when a friend from the past called me at work and asked me to come and do life skill classes about nutrition and goal setting for a program with homeless families/single parents. I was so excited and still really am. I completely want to start doing things like this and start doing some motivational speaking. So this is a great way for me to start giving back. These three things randomly happened today and honestly should have made me realize that someone higher up was wanting me to step back and take a look at what I was doing. What have I been saying lately- I need to ask for help! I have to let things go that I have no control over or else I will start eating a cake pan of brownies at a time again! I can't please everyone! Why couldn't I have seen this when it happened today.

Everything really does happen for a reason. Now that I take a step back and look at the day, I know that all of these things happened for a reason today. God puts people and events in our lives to make us examine what we are doing and what paths we are going down. When random people started asking me how I was doing with my challenge- it should have been a clue that ya overall I'm doing great, but today sucks! - what can I do differently! I really have to change my attitude tomorrow and start asking for help- or else no one will want to work with me! I did ask for help for tomorrow and luckily I am getting help. Although I'm sure I will think that I can do it better- I'm not going to be a perfectionist anymore! I am going to gladly accept help that is given! I mean hey, if I hadn't of accepted the help so far, I would still be almost 300lbs and gaining!

~Amanda

redirecting!

So tonight I feel like crap- literally. I'm beginning to hate the holidays. I'm starting to work through my grief- everyday is a new day, a new day I face with the loss of my father. However as Christmas grows near- more and more food seems to appear all around me- and its not healthy food! Last week my mom came home with peppermint Ice cream- a favorite of mine that of course you can only get around Christmas- i begged my sister to eat it all but she didn't- so right now it's sitting in my freezer and although I don't open the door I still hear it calling my name! Then yesterday my step dad made chocolate covered peanuts, another favorite of mine. And of course at work, holiday parties are starting to take place left and right. Tonight was my department holiday party and where was it- at the Ameristar Buffet. This was probably the biggest buffet that I have ever seen in my life. I mean they had a dessert table that was the size of my kitchen alone. However instead of indulging in everything and becoming so overly stuffed and miserable like I would have normally done- I ate a salad and then turned to roasted turkey and fish with some rice. I did splurge and have a piece of sugar free chocolate cake. However because I ate this piece of chocolate cake or whatever it was- I want to throw up all over the place now. I'm starting to think that Ameristar lied and that there was sugar in it.

But as I was driving home I was feeling guilty for what I have eaten this week. I really haven't gone way off the deep end, however I have splurged a little here and there. Yesterday at another holiday dinner I ate a piece of dessert and immediately felt so ashamed afterwards. Its like that old feeling of shame coming back again. Like when I would overeat and thought people would judge me and knew I shouldn't, so I would isolate myself and feel ashamed of what I had done. I immediately wanted to run home and crawl on the couch- however I went to the gym instead, and luckily met up with one of my aerobic pals and worked out with her. Now as I sit here and think about it- I am actually proud of myself for recognizing that behavior and stopping it. I could have gotten right back into that vicious circle again- shame- isolation- overeating, however I stopped it and did something about it. I guess Ill be doing that a lot with all these damn holiday dinners coming up!

As a great support told me- I'm my biggest supporter- I have learned that I can be pretty hard on myself , however that is definitely something that I am trying to overcome. So a new thing that I will be doing everyday- getting up and looking in the mirror and telling myself how great and beautiful I am. Maybe this way I can stop the guilty feelings and build more of the positive ones. I think that is the only way I will begin to recognize my behaviors and stop them. If not I will just go right back to hating myself and weighing 300lbs. (thanks dustie!)

~Amanda

grief

So its been a few weeks since my last post- I have to admit I think I have been kinda avoiding it. I went to New York which was amazing and then the show aired which I thought turned out great and then it was kinda over. I had been having this mindset of 60 days, work out hard core for 60 days, lose as much weight for 60 days- and now that those 60 days are done I felt a little lost. I mean the whole time during those 60 days I have been saying that this is my life style change and I have to continue this beyond those 60 days- but in reality Dr. Oz isn't going to be here my whole life coaching me and pushing me along. Granted the show said they wanted to continue to follow me- but who knows- they could get canceled next week for all I know and then I'm all on my own again. So I started on my journey of grief. The wonderful grief that I can never get away from. I have said from the beginning that I believe that everything is a grieving process- the loss of my lifestyle and food is a huge emotional battle that I face everyday. However now I have to add in the fact that I am losing my 60 days of fame and support. Even though I have tons of support all around me here- it was a different sense of motivation I got from their phone calls checking in and emails.

To top it all off what had to be right after the show- Thanksgiving! Now I will say I did eat really good. I splurged a little - but stuck to things that I knew I could eat. I had gone so long not eating white flour that when I ate at my families house on Thanksgiving I got a headache from eating white rolls, gravy made with white flour and egg noodles. But the morning of I was very proud of myself for participating in my first 5k- the Turkey Trot in Parkville! It was actually a lot of fun and pretty rewarding. However during that weekend my grief hit me once again and pretty hard. It slowly crept in on black Friday when I went shopping. This is the first year without my father. He passed away in March and I know it is because of him and God that I have received all these blessings- however why I thought the holidays wouldn't be so bad I have no idea. As I was shopping- I found so many things that I immediately thought- "This would have made a good Christmas gift for Dad". And as I made my list out for everyone that I had bought for this year, a huge blank spot was left where his name should have been. When I went to my aunts house on Sat to celebrate- just driving through his hometown sent me into a mental breakdown. It is so much harder than I could ever imagine.

So here I am once again on a roller coaster of grief. Once I feel like I am going up and doing good, a wave of grief comes and knocks me right back down. I know eventually the waves will get smaller, but in the meantime- their pretty damn hard to deal with sometimes. However I know I am on the right track because instead of running to food to deal with it I am exercising or finding other things that I am enjoying. I am still exercising everyday and after talking with some people who are good supporters I am making it my goal to make each aerobics group rather than making excuses to skip them when I feel like doing so. It's amazing what I can still talk myself into doing or not doing and I still need that accountability. No matter how long I keep doing this, I think I will still be my biggest enemy! Even when I don't feel like talking I know I have to- in order to stay in a healthy frame of mind. Its so easy to curl back up in that ball and not let anyone in.

So right now I weighed in at 254.5- 41.5 lbs down! I'm taking everyday at a time and making it a goal to talk and attend every aerobics class that I say I'm going to!

~Amanda