60 day update

So I just got back home from my 60 day update show in New York, which was amazing!!! I had so much fun! I have to say I love New York- all the hustle and bustle- bright lights and interesting people! But anyways- I flew out Monday morning and spent most of the day in the NBC studios, doing medical testing and visiting with some of the producers. All of the producers were really excited to see us, as we were them, and they could really tell the difference we have made. All four of us, Rod, Leann, Deborah and myself who were featured on the first show all look and act completely different. It was so great to hear from the producers that they all noticed how happier I was. One even told me that I have a new sparkle in my eyes! After visiting the studio, we did some sight seeing- unfortunately there was not alot of time so we walked around and saw Christmas storefronts and saw Macy's Christmas tree and decorations. It was all so beautiful. We finished the night with dinner at an Italian Piano bar (still making healthy choices) and then one last walk to Time Square- where I was hit on by a very attractive man and if I was in New York one more night I would have let him take me out, but maybe next time!!!

The next day was started bright and early - off to the studio to begin filming the show. I was taken to hair and make-up and after a little hair disaster, I felt as beautiful as ever! (My hair became static at the last minute so all my hair began to stand straight up on top of my hair! Rod was kind enough to text one of the producers saying there was an emergency in the dressing room and Brett and Annie came to my rescue!!! - So hair problem fixed! ) We got dressed and headed for the back stage. It was so amazing because as I was standing there in the back waiting to go on, I was watching my introduction and it showed some of the clips from the first show- me stuffing my face with cherry pies and feeling horrible about myself and I literally started crying. Of course they all got mad at me because I was ruining my make-up right before I was about to go on, but I saw a completely different person on that t.v than I am now. I really could tell how unhappy I was and how much I didn't like myself.

After talking with Dr. Oz and Bob and the producers it made me realize how great I was doing. I mean I knew that I was doing great, but to see the person I have become in just a little over two months is amazing. As I told Dr. Oz I have been on an emotional journey that has been so much more than my physical journey. All together there were around 20 people that went back to new York, some I knew were doing so good and others I knew were struggling. I want to hope that all of them will continue to do good, but I know that some of them are still struggling with the emotional component of the process. I could still tell that some of them didn't love themselves yet. You have to love yourself before allowing yourself to change. If not you will never think you are worth the change. Something that I have finally learned.

I am proud to say that I weighed in at 261- down 34lbs- dropping the most weight out of anyone in the original 35 that was on the challenge!!! I feel wonderful! I have alot more to go but I am on such a great start! Flying out of New York, I felt a little sad- knowing that the 60 days was over, however I have learned more about myself in these 60 days than my whole life it seems. In the scheme of things, its just the beginning. I told the producers that I will get to my goal weight and lose 120lbs and when I do I will be back! I cant wait!

~Amanda

new goals

So as I am working on my thinking and emotions, of course I'm still working on my physical health as well. Today I did something in the gym that I have never really done in a long time. I actually ran on the treadmill! I mean I didn't run a mile or anything, but I ran for minute intervals, getting my heart rate going! I walked out of the gym feeling pretty proud of myself! I didn't think that two months ago I would be working out 6-7 days a week let alone running. I mean its funny because when I look back in high school I played soccer and ran 4-5 miles easily when I practiced or was in a game and it seemed so easy to me, however now when I do it, 4-5 minutes of running nearly sends me into a heart attack. Yesterday I was jump roping all together for about 10 minutes and I literally thought I was going to throw up all over the gym. I laughed because in 2nd grade that's all I use to do was jump rope, but now at 264lbs it nearly sends me into a stroke. However I do have to say, I have seen so much improvement in myself over the past two months in the amount that I am able to do. I am slowly building up my endurance.

As I approach my 60 days I look back and realize that I have accomplished alot, both physically and emotionally. Today as I was talking with a lady in my aerobics class, she was discussing how she cannot get past the emotional struggle with her food problems. She told me that even at the age of 62 she still doesn't truly know how to take care of herself, or how to love herself. Standing there I felt so fortunate that I am going through this process now rather than 40 years from now. I may actually have a chance of being truly happy with myself. But the question arises- why are so many people fighting this same battle?

Over and over again I hear, I feel the same way- I don't love myself, or my problem is emotional eating, or I don't know how to put my needs first. Whats the answer? I mean I really felt as though I was hiding it well, I played the role so good that my wall was built up around me and I made everyone think that I was perfect or had everything put together (or so I thought I did!), but in reality I don't think I was hiding it at all. Pushing past my fears of stepping out behind my wall was my turning point, allowing myself to break free from my comfort of negativity. But I am so glad that I have done it. I can't explain how happy I am with myself. Now of course, I still have my negative thinking moments- my relapses- but I learn to work through those, or I'm learning to work through them I should say. I guess it's only natural after 25 years of thinking that way not to revert back to that every once in a while!

Going through this process and realizing all that I have accomplished and keep accomplishing, really shows that if I can do it, anyone can do it! It really does touch me every time I hear someone say, I feel the same way. I so want to help them. (social worker coming out in me!) But I guess I realize how miserable I felt so I know how miserable they must feel as well, and now that I am truly happy I so want this for everyone!

So new goals- keep losing weight of course but I have decided that i want to run a marathon! I am going to start training for that! yay!

~Amanda

Every week is a new challenge, a new learning process and a new beginning. This week I hit my 30lb weight loss. I have to say that this is more than I have ever lost on any diet I have ever been on. I usually hit my plateau after about 20-25lbs and then give up. But I stuck with it and pushed past the plateau. I'm so excited to make it past the twenties and into the thirties; territory that I have never been in. With this new territory comes things that I have started facing in my relationships and personal life. Things that I haven't wanted to face but realize that for me to truly be healthy, I have to.

I realized this week that I truly do have an addiction. I mean I had always said that, but for the first time I think that it finally clicked with me. I keep going back to what I know best- social work- substance abuse counseling- and I found myself saying the exact same thing that I would say to anyone of my clients when talking about addiction and relapse prevention. It was easy for me to say that I was an emotional eater. When I felt unpleasant emotions or even pleasant emotions I ate. However what I didn't realize was all the negative thinking, manipulation and deception that came with those emotions and eating. The number one thing that a person with an addiction has to realize is that relapse happens before taking the first hit of whatever drug it is or for me eating the first cherry pie or cupcake. It begins with the thinking. When the negative thinking happens, a relapse has already occurred. Once that thinking starts, its so hard to make it stop. Something that I truly realized this week.

I know I hide my true feelings from a lot of people, or at least I think I do. I got sucked into this horrible pattern this week of thinking that I wasn't good enough again. I let one incident with a stupid guy give me the opening to begin to tear down my confidence and self image and begin thinking that I was ugly, and not worth it for anyone. I kept catching myself thinking this and trying to stop but once it started, it was so hard to stop. The moment I started thinking this, I instantly thought of food. That's all I wanted- food. Instead of going for unhealthy food, I kept redirecting my thoughts and avoided junk food, one- cuz I knew it would make me sick and two- I really wanted the thirty pounds! But after a while of redirecting and avoiding, I was emotionally drained. I know why relapse is so easy - no one can sit there and keep doing this forever and ever without talking with someone and getting help. It made me realize that I still have a lot to work on.

So how do you instantly change your thinking? I know that by building my self image and confidence it is slowly starting to change. I know it won't happen overnight, a slow process in deed. However how do I avoid relapse. I never thought I would be figuring this one out for myself! I have taught this class so many times! I know that for me I have to stop hiding. This experience has shown me that there are tons of people that are in my life supporting me! It was funny because today at work I was training a new Social Worker and I said something to her about me being very opinionated and voicing that often and all the nurses began laughing - knowing me too well! Its so easy for me to be opinionated about irrelevant things, now I need to become opinionated about my life. Hopefully that will begin to come!

~Amanda